SECOND STORY REHEARSAL #10

September 28, 2016

Leading into 10th Session

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• During the week, Jonathan and Sherri process a variety of complex psychological and existential issues that significantly impact Jonathan’s life and work.
• While contemplating current and future artistic endeavors, Jonathan tends to generate a lot of creative ideas – often in increasingly fine detail.  Quickly, he finds himself chomping at the bit to turn the ideas into reality.
• However, his eagerness is tempered by the numerous “requirements” he has inculcated about what the endeavor should look like and how he needs to approach it.  He expects himself to have everything figured out before he makes a move.  He places himself in an impossible position since no one can “know” everything in advance.  Understanding and clarity are byproducts of process; they do not precede experience.
• Jonathan’s passion also butts up against the need to keep his life manageable, given his current responsibilities and commitments to his family.  The dilemma is painful; he has carved out most of his time for his family, but what does he do with these ideas if he can’t pursue them now?
• In the past, he felt free to “follow the dreams.”  But given his current context, he doesn’t have the wherewithal to make his dreams materialize.  As the visualizations of his desires spiral into elaborate dreams, he wants them so badly – but can’t have them.
• This situation evokes anger, frustration, and fear. 
• Sherri speculates that many artists who are primary caregivers find themselves experiencing similar emotions.
• The restrictions he feels today remind him of the challenges that impeded the full realization of his dreams for his company, Riedel Dance Theater.  He tends to blame himself, believing he “failed to have a big, beautiful company.”  His self-talk is filled with beliefs such as: “I could have had the things I wanted if I created those opportunities.”  “Maybe I don’t really want it badly enough.”
• Sherri pointed out that the sense of failure Jonathan experiences is actually related to his preconceived ideas about success; he “failed” to accomplish the things he was “supposed” to achieve.  However, when he examines his authentic needs and inclinations, he sees that the narrative is totally different; he ultimately traveled paths that addressed his core needs as best as possible.  By any measure, his achievements along the way are most impressive.
• In general, though, Jonathan has been experiencing existential angst…a disturbing sense of nihilism…a sense of randomness, meaninglessness…a sense that he has lost touch with faith…a lack of purpose in the universe…feeling utterly lost – without any sort of compass.  These internal experiences have been frightening and crushingly painful.  They are also completely understandable in light of his father’s death last year and his mother’s recent stroke.
• Jonathan’s discussion with Sherri facilitates the realization that the feelings themselves are not problematic; in fact, they are a crucial source of information about who you are, what you need, and what you believe.  They are not good, bad, right, or wrong – they just ARE.  Rather, the attributions he makes about having these emotions are problematic – believing that there is something wrong with him for having the feelings.  So the challenge is to “sit” with the feelings instead of trying to get rid of them.  Moreover, it is understandable that the enormous life changes and losses Jonathan has experienced in the recent past would trigger these fundamental questions and internal experiences.

10th Session

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• Jonathan discusses with the group the feasibility of having warm-up become a class open to other dancer-parents.
• Lorena’s ankle is improving, but she is not yet able to rélevé, jump, or turn.  Therefore, her ability to dance and choreograph is still limited.
• Jonathan leads warm-up with Eliza in his arms.  This is her preferred position again today.  Parker walks around the studio contentedly while Sebastian has his bottle.
• Once she is finished feeding Sebastian, Lorena is able to join the warm-up.  Sebastian soon crawls to her and holds on to her legs.  He winds up in Lorena’s arms, a little cranky as he is not feeling well.
• Lauren sets Parker up with a bottle in her stroller and later changes her diaper.
• Sherri distracts a crying Eliza by creating a video of her dad with her.  This enables Jonathan to actively lead warm-up exercises.  There’s that big smile on his face again – it feels great to move freely!
• Alas, the freedom doesn’t last forever; Eliza returns to her dad’s arms, resulting in Jonathan verbally directing the next part of the warm-up.
• As usual, everyone alternately dances/writes and attends to the children.
• As the dancers resume work on Jonathan’s piece, they review notes he made from the last rehearsal – details of each dancer’s positioning vis-à-vis each other, execution of complex movements, and timing adjustments.
• It has been a while since the group has rehearsed Jonathan’s entire piece (so far), so the dancers try to remember the material.
• Jonathan holds Eliza and Sebastian, allowing both Lorena and Mandy to rehearse together.  However, it forces Jonathan to verbally direct them.
• Once he is only holding Eliza, Jonathan clarifies movements and timing.  He demonstrates how he wants Lorena to partner Mandy.  The dancers then try it on their own.  The partnering involves a lot of weight shifts and change of direction. 
• When Eliza and Sebastian go to Lorena, Jonathan choreographs more precisely with Mandy, assuming Lorena’s role in the duet.
• Sherri and the dancers alternately hold the children to allow each other time to practice.
• Sherri films a run-through of Jonathan’s piece.
• Jonathan works with Mandy on her role while Lorena feeds Sebastian.
• Jonathan then feeds Eliza before starting work on Lorena’s piece.
• Jonathan marks the choreography, trying to remember the material, as he has not rehearsed Lorena’s duet in a while.
• Jonathan and Mandy run through what they know so far while Lorena watches.  Lorena determines what she wants to change: timing of certain phrases, spatial positioning, and simplification of particular movements.  She then watches Mandy and Jonathan execute these adjustments.
• Next, Lorena clarifies the rhythm of a series of phrases, double checking herself with the music.
• Eliza keeps running to her dad, so Lorena works on clarifications of a different series of phrases with Mandy.
• Lorena tries to demonstrate with her body as best she can, given her injury.
• The session concludes as Mandy incorporates Lorena’s changes.

Following the 10th Session

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• Some of the themes of Sherri and Jonathan’s earlier discussions surface for Jonathan in the aftermath of this session.
• During the early Second Story rehearsals, Jonathan allowed himself to flow with the new dynamics of the process.  His expectations about productivity were tempered by the sheer novelty and uncertainty of this innovative initiative.
• Recently, though, he is finding himself inexorably drawn to creating work on a more ambitious scale – expanding his artistic reach.  The more he tastes the joys of choreographing and rehearsing with Lorena and Mandy, the more he yearns to develop his creative ideas.  During today’s session, he found himself hungering to be able to create with fewer impediments – babysitter, anyone? – and perhaps with more of the structure he is accustomed to.  This would greatly facilitate his productivity.
• But the desire to pursue all that he envisions eventually morphs into feeling overwhelmed by the amount and type of work it will entail.  It’s a familiar pattern…He then realizes he needs to scale back – delay or decline potential endeavors to ensure that his commitments are realistic and manageable.  While he knows in his gut that these are healthy decisions, he worries that he will anger/disappoint the people offering the opportunities – and that future projects won’t materialize.
• Jonathan decides against turning the warm-up into a company class.  The timing isn’t great right now since he is devoting a significant amount of time to his mother’s recovery.